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OUT OF LEFTFIELDERS

DT's dad Joseph Hage, Sr., used ths one:

HOW DO YOU COOK KIDNEY?
You boil the piss out of it.

Similarly, DT came across these (and the many that follow) from God knows where...we're gonna call them by various names...

Kidney Punches

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese.

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.

13. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

14. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

15. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

16. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

17. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn.
A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.

18. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT
Tame way, unique up on it.

 20. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
 Skeet.

 21. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A LOUISIANA DIVORCE THE SAME?
 Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

KIDNEY PUNCHES TOO

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2..00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:  NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3.  OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

5.  There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6.   If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7.   Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10.  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14.  Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for their final exam. (AMEN!)

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20.  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (Or your child is learning!)

21.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23.  Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

AND…

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

EVEN STEVEN WRIGHTS

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

NOT SURE WHERE THESE CAME FROM EITHER

Q: What do you call a dozen blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes

How can you make money these days?
Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer -
and you'll have a hundred sows and bucks.

Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

MARSHALING IN THE JOKES

PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver--that's why they asked the question.

3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.

6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.

10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

13. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.

15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.

17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

18. When you give a waitress a "tip", the letters T-I-P stand for something. What?
Paul Lynde: This is pastrami?!?

19. Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon (sp?) wrinkles so easily.<

PHILLY SOFA KILLS (phillosophicals)

1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps?"

2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

15. Why is there always one in every crowd?

16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

HANDY ANDY ISMS

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian  - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney on Prisoners:
Did you know  that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?  Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a
few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we  should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate  electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under
their  breath, Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how  our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the  morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.  And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5.  Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know  those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever  notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know."  It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't  know."
Honey, I feel  very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm  not in the mood."

6. Andy  Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's  from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be --  Jesus  Cripe's?  The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy  Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in  'Heck'?

7. Andy Rooney On  Grandma:
My  grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you?  Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Andy Rooney On Answering  Machines:
Did you ever  hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering  machine?
"Hi , it's a  great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is: "Share the love."  Beep.
"Uh,  yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,  your test  results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over  the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
 implants and  Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it  is  believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of  people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who  can't remember what to do with them.

DILBERT FILBERTS (NUTS?)
Dilbert's latest vocabulary additions, i.e., NEW WORDS FOR THE 90'S... Don't really know if these are from Dilbert or just being circulated on the Internet.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.) SEE DT WACKRONYMS

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD Job = A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number
of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and askmthe operator for assistance." (See also: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

Homers

Mirth Shakes and Medical Greek Cures
Spooners ... and Ways to Feed a Baby
Won Liners
Grand Slammers - DT Movies of the Weak
Gold"wyners" - Goldy Locks and Bagels
Frost's Crosses or Frost Burns
Out of Leftfielders

 

 

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