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"Never teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time, and it annoys the pig." Mark Twain

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JEWISH COUNTRY/WESTERN SONGS
TOP 25 COUNTRY AND WESTERN FAVORITES
DOC JONES
DUCK DISCO
SNL NEWS ANCHOR NORM MCDONALD CLASSICS
MARY POPPINS
OH NO! ANOTHER POPPY SEE'D
PIANO
BAGPIPE
HOW MUCH DOES A WOOD WIND?
YOU GOTTA HAVE BRASS, BUT NO TACKS
PER CUSS IONISTS
STRINGING EVERYONE ALONG
VOCAL OBJECTIONS
CONDUCT UNBECOMING
MUSIC CRITICS
GUITAR
ACCORDIAN TO WHO?
GOPHERS STAGING A PRO...TEST
DEAF...INITIONS
UN CLASSIFIEDS

DEAF...INITIONS

JEWISH COUNTRY/WESTERN SONGS
"I was One of the Chosen ('Til She Chose Someone Else)"
"I've Got My Foot on the Glass; Where Are You?"
"My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over, Tonite"
"New Bottle of Wine, Same Old Testament"
"I Balanced Your Books, Why're You Breakin' My Heart?"
"The Second Time She Said 'Shalom' I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
And the #1 best-seller:
"Mamas, Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They
Could Have Just as Easily Taken Over the Hardware Store My Zaidie Broke His
Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years, Not That it Means
Anything to You!)"

TOP 25 COUNTRY AND WESTERN FAVORITESCowboy boots
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart  Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go  Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or  Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That  Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I! Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number One Country and Western song of all time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

DOC JONES
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well,   "It's Not Unusual."

Pun AlertDUCK DISCO
June the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque.  Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam knew the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office.  Having too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal without their instruments. June told the conductor,
"I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco." (if you don't get it, think Tony Bennett)

SNL NEWS ANCHOR NORM MCDONALD CLASSICS
"Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes."

"The Beatles first new song in over 25 years, 'Free as a Bird', just came out and it's just been discovered that there's a secret message by John Lennon when you play the song backwards. The message is 'This song sucks!'"

"Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage!"


MARY POPPINS
Mary Poppins was traveling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.
"Certainly madam", he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?"asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached", Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam..sleep well?"
"Yes thank you", Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though, they really weren't that nice at all", Mary replied truthfully.
"Oh..well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion", said the receptionist.
"Okay, I will, thanks!" replied Mary.
She then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. On the page was written:
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"

OH NO! ANOTHER POPPY SEE'D
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

PIANO  Piano

Note; Some of these puns require a certain amount of technical knowledge about piano parts.

Q. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
A. Yes you can, you simply adjust its scales.

Having a slow day? You sound board.

i'm not calling you a lyre!

Boy, you are really putting a damper on things.

Is the strap on a Bride's gown called a bridle strap? (Piano tuners would get it.)

I'd like to hammer the point home.

Shanks for the memories.

Don't date a piano technician; he will just string you along.

Q. What does a Steinway?
A. About 800 pounds.(Steinway) – see ALPHA BETS

Yamaha = Yes mothers funny (ya-ma-ha)

Chickering = What you give your girlfriend.

Baldwin = People without hair win.

Q. Why do pianos get so many headaches?
A. Because their strings are under so much tension.

Q. Why was the piano laughing?
A. Because someone was tickling it's ivories.

You had better B# or you might get Ab.

Q. Why do party goers love the inside of the piano?
A. Because that's where the action is.

Q. What has 3 legs, 52 teeth and loves to make music?
A. A baby grand piano.

Q. What has 88 keys but no locks?
A. A piano.

Life is like a piano - what you get out of it depends on how you play it.

Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army camp?
A. A flat major!

"I went to a concert once where the lady playing was so bad, that Mr. Steinway himself came down and personally erased his name off the piano."

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A. A flat minor!

BAGPIPE

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

HOW MUCH DOES A WOOD WIND?   Clinton sax

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing a  unison.

Q: How many flutists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one,  but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries  when you chop up an oboe.

Q: How can you tell an oboist is at your front door?
A: By the Domino's Pizza hat.

Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.

Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take  off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a bassoon. After intermission the bassoonist was told to pick up his instrument, so  he took it out for dinner and a show.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A: So they  can park in handicapped zones.

Q: How do you get a clarinet from a tree?
A: Carve away everything that  doesn't resemble a clarinet.

Q: How do you get a clarinetist from a tree?
A: Cut the noose.

Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One,  but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs to do it.

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto  clarinet.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You  can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow  the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn  would have done it.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an  in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa  Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player!  The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

Q: What's the difference between a jazz saxophonist and an AK-47 assault  rifle?
A: The AK-47 only repeats 100 times a minute.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

YOU GOTTA HAVE BRASS, BUT NO TACKS

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much  better they could have done it.  (Of course, they can only do it in a  practice room.)

Q: How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground?
A: They  don't know how to swing.

Q: If the piece is in 'A' and you have trumpets in 'D', where do the trumpets go?
A: In the case. The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.

Q: What do you call a house occupied by five hornists?
A: A crack house.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead?
A: One. Conductor: "Back to bar one."  Hornist: "My part isn't numbered."

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to customize the switch.

Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead  country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the  way to a recording session.

Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground?
A: They don't  know how to use the slide.

Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to do it too loud.

Q: How do you contact a baritone player?
A: You-phone-`em.

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?
A: About  five yards.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2".

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll be looking for a bigger bulb. Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"  Friend: "I hope so."

PER CUSS IONISTS

Q: Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they  don't disgrace themselves in the parade.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.   (They have machines to do that now.)

Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: He rushes.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds?
A: The  bonds mature.

Q: What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A: "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison  strings.

Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening?
A: They rarely strike the  same spot twice.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate.

Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're really the same size.  Violinists' heads are larger.

Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist?
A: Have a percussionist  drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.

STRINGING EVERYONE ALONG 

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and  don't play.

Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: No one  knows when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: The dog knows  when to stop scratching.

Q: How do you get a violist to play a down-bow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto  mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common?
A: Both  screw up Boeings.

Q: How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen?
A: Just one, but  you must slice him very thin.

A violinist and violist fall off a tall building.  Who hits the ground  first? 
The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.

When wrapping your music teacher's gifts at Christmas, wrap them with cello-phane.

Requirements for the 2nd round of the Int'l Viola Competition: Holding  the viola by memory.

"The violist is the hermaphrodite of the orchestra." -- Thomas Beecham.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns  longer.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has  the corpse inside.

Q: Why are orchestral intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. A bass player we know was so bad that even the section noticed.

VOCAL OBJECTIONS

Q: How many coloraturas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Her agent does that.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the P.L.O.?
A: You can negotiate with the P.L.O.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most  musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Q: How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A: She just holds it and the world revolves around her.

Q: How do you frustrate a soprano?
A: Ask her to read music.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Not being on birth control, the soprano tells the sax player to pull out,  to which he replies, "Why, am I sharp?" The soprano section -- alias, the nosebleed section.

Q: What's the difference between an alto and a dressmaker?
A: The  dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.

Q: How do you know if an alto is at the front door?
A: She can't find  her key.

Q: How do you get an alto into a VW Bug?
A: Grease her hips and leave a  twinkie on the dash.

Q: What's the difference between a stuck-up soprano and a stuck-up  tenor?
A: Two octaves.

Q: What do a woman in labor and a tenor have in common?
A: They both strain.

Q: Why aren't tenors allowed to marry violinists?
A: Their offspring  would be too dumb to play out of tune.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end-to-end... it would be a good idea.

Q: What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A start.

CONDUCT UNBECOMING

Q: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants? A: They've had so  little use.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?
A: More quicksand.

Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 oz. (not including the urn.)

Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and a conductor and had a  gun with only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to conductor -- is told he is dead -- calls back 25 times -- same message from receptionist --  receptionist asks why he keeps calling -- "I just like to hear you say it."

We know a guy who was so dumb his music teacher gave him two sticks and made him a drummer, but he lost one and became a conductor.

A band director avoided being struck by lightning even though he stayed on his aluminum ladder in a thunderstorm. (Seems he wasn't a good conductor.)

We took a collection for our band director's funeral asking $50 from community leaders.  We got $100 with a note to bury two of them.

MUSIC CRITICS

Q: How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Music  critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong  with the way you do it.

Q: Why are music critics' columns bad choices to line the bottom of a bird cage?
A: It's too hard to distinguish the droppings from the writing.

Q: What do you get if you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A  bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q: What do you get if you cross a music critic?
A: A bad review.

Q: How many critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  They  work in the dark.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn't.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.

Q: What has 32 feet and an I.Q. of 83?
A: A flag corp.

GUITAR Guitar

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of  music.

Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going  to kiss.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A:  When you plug them in, they suck.

Told to turn on his amp, the guitar player stroked it slowly while saying, "I love you."

A guitarist was so Baroque, he robbed a music store and ran off with the lute.  His percussionist friend took a drum and beat it.

A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat B' string.  It seems Opornockity only tunes once.

Acoustic guitar is a long thin one you use in a pool hall.

Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales.  Each contributed one he knew.

ACCORDIAN TO WHO?

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and an accordion?
A: If you  put them in Tradin' Times, you can sell the lawnmower.

Q: How do you know the guy knocking on your door is a accordionist?
A: He doesn't stop even after you answer.

GOPHERS STAGING A PRO...TEST

Q: How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, two,  three... one, two, three.

Q: How many union stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Thirty-five.  "YOU GOTTA' PROBLEM WIT' DAT?"

UN CLASSIFIED

"Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?" 
"Oh, about half a beat  behind the drummer."

Q: What does New Age Music sound like when played backwards?
A: New Age  Music.

Q: What does a SCUD missile and a DJ have in common?
A: Both are easy to fire and you don't care where they land.

The choir for the mentally impaired was not allowed sugar for snacks and  became known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

Jacques Ibert is not Smokey's brother.

Q: Know what Beethoven is doing today?
A: Decomposing.

Q: What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today?
A: Probably  screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Bach had 22 kids because he had no stops on his organ.

 I'm tired of all this sax and violins on public television.

These jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them.  The make me Lizstless. They can be too Mendlesohm.  You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.

Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one!  (All the rest are true.)

Quotes attributed to Eugene Ormandy: "Who is sitting in that empty chair?"
"If you don't have it in your part, leave it out because there is  enough missing already."
"I need one more bass less." "We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is on the plane."
"Thank you for your  cooperation and vice versa."
"I never say what I mean but always manage  to say something similar."
"I don't want to confuse you more than  absolutely necessary."

"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds." -- Mark Twain.

DEAF...INITIONS

Accidentals: Wrong notes.

Agitato: State of mind when your valve sticks. Augmented fifth: 36 oz. bottle.

Breve: A sustained note when you run out of bow.

Cantus firmus: Part you get when you only know four notes. Detache: Trombonists play with slides removed.

Diatonic: Low-calorie Schweppes.

Glissando: A violinist's technique for difficult runs. Optimist: A trumpet player who carries a beeper.

Perfect Pitch: Throwing a piccolo in the toilet without hitting the rim. Senza sordino: You forgot to use your mute in the last passage.

String quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist, and someone who hates violin getting together to complain about composers.

From Richard Hoover
flatulence - farting to a flat note
sharpulence - farting to s sharp note

 


 

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