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NOTE: Many of these were from anonymous email, SO DT DON KNOW source, but please let DT KNOW IF YOU KNOW: CONTACT DT

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Merry XMOS: 'Twas the Night Before ChristMOS

METRIC SCHMETRIC
CLASSICS FROM SNL NEWS ANCHOR NORM MCDONALD
CLASSIC CARS with MS
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES
N...ASS..A GAUGING A HORSE'S ASS
SPELLING CHEk (clik to go there)
INSTALLING LOVE
UPGRADING FROM GIRLFRIEND 1.0 TO WIFE 1.0
IN THE BEGINNING
Y to K CONVERSION
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

METRIC SCHMETRIC
Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process DT submits some "Useful Metric Conversions."

1 million microphones
1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds
two kilomockingbirds
10 cards
1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish
1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers
1 pound cake
1 trillion pins
1 terrapin
10 rations
1 decoration
100 rations
1 C-ration
10 millipedes
1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents
1 decadent
2 monograms
1 diagram
8 nickels
2 paradigms
2 wharves
1 paradox

CLASSICS FROM SNL NEWS ANCHOR NORM MCDONALD
"Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."

CLASSIC CARS with MS (old but still funny)
Supposedly, at a not so recent COMDEX computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.


IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

N...ASS..A      GAUGING A HORSE'S ASS
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?
 Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts?

Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.

And now, the twist to the story...

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's ass!

SPELLING CHECK
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

INSTALLING LOVE
Customer Service (CS) Representative: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system.
It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.
LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.
However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM.
Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.

Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".

What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS, but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome.
Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory:
FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC.
The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming.
Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and nevercomes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.

SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

God bless

UPGRADING FROM GIRLFRIEND 1.0 TO WIFE 1.0
QUESTION TO DT TECH SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the  new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of  space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was  included  in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs  itself into all other programs and launches during system>initialization where it monitors  all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program.  Can you help me?   - Duh Bull Take       

ANSWER FROM DT TECH SUPPORT:  This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non- recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0  -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD  -Frequently use Communicator 5.0       

-DT Tech Support

IN THE BEGINNING

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.  Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. . . And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?Bill Gates devil

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try? The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.  And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.  And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Y to K CONVERSION (old but still funny)

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions. because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. 
At any rate I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year (year 2000). 
The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

Be prepared! Be sure to stock up on K-Y2K Jelly. It allows you to insert four digits where only two would fit, before.

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

DRUM ROLL PLEASE ...
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

New Computer Viruses You Should Know About

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

PETA VIRUS: Turns all your files loose on the network.

SPOTTED OWL VIRUS: Effectively eliminates several hundred batch-files that are important only to a small region of the network.

KKK VIRUS: Turns your color monitor to white (just white).

ROBIN WILLIAMS VIRUS: So effective, other virii refuse to follow it.

WILLIAM SHATNER VIRUS: Will not become effective unless it can direct. Even then, it's not effective, but writes volumes of trash to your hard drive.

AFROPHOBIA
Fear of the return of the Jackson Five.

PSEUDONYMHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

DEJA FLU
The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA
Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY
Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME
Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE
An attack during the reading of a will

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome.

RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS
Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida Loca."

OREOPOROSIS
Discorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

Bug: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

Design: What you regret not doing later on.

Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.

Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

Machine-independent program: A program that will not run on any machine.

Meeting: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.

Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.

Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.

Quality control: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

Regression analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

Systems programmer: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive from your boss.

i.e. I refuse to reinstate his/her password/logon, he/she is a menace!.......don't laugh, I've seen it happen......more than once.

Little Red Riding Hood

At a previous but undetermined timeframe, a single-family domestic domicile was inhabited by a young girl, known as Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH), and her Maternal Parent (MP). The Maternal Parent (MP) had once provided for the fabrication of an article of clothing, a cloak in nature (including a "hood" or protective covering for the head of the wearer), that was RGB code [255,0,0] in hue (aka, "red"). As a result of this action, and the resultant repeated usage of the "hood", the young girl was always known as LRRH in substitution for the name identified on her birth certificate and other identifying documentation.

During one 24-hour interval, a request was issued by the MP for LRRH to deliver a package to the MP's Maternal Parent (MPMP) (genealogically identified as the Grandmaternal Unit (GU) with respects to LRRH). This package was to include:

  • cheesecakes
  • fresh butter
  • one dozen (12) strawberries

Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH) optioned to accept the Task Order (TO). LRRH further sourced a package delivery vehicle with the proper functionality for the Task Order, selecting a wicker basket. After a thorough and complete market survey, leveraging LRRH's experience with similar Task Orders in the past, cheesecake and fresh butter were acquired from the kitchen, whereas strawberries were acquired from the garden. While the latter item was not, strictly speaking, within the bounds of the Task Order, the marginal cost savings as compared to waiting for strawberries to grow in the kitchen appeared to be of great benefit to the MP in the completion of the Task.

With initial outsourcing complete, the journey was commenced by LRRH (see Appendix A: Proposed Map of Route Between the Domiciles of MP and GU). During a brief eleventh-hour meeting, MP issued a contract rider requiring the complete confidentiality of all personnel working the Task Order. LRRH assured MP that there would be no violation of this rider.

In the course of executing the Task Order, LRRH was approached by market competitor Old Grey Wolf (OGW). There were inquiries from OGW to LRRH regarding the nature of the Task Order, and in violation of the contract rider, LRRH disclosed sensitive and mission-critical data relating to the Task. Table 1-1 illustrates the nature of the information believed to have been compromised:

Table 1-1: Information Compromised by LRRH During Interactions With GW

Nature of Data Disclosed To Severity of Disclosure
Contents of Basket Old Grey Wolf Medium
Nature of Task Old Grey Wolf High
Destination of Journey Old Grey Wolf High

The identity of LRRH had been predetermined by OGW using standard practices of observation; therefore, that information was not compromised by the actions of LRRH.

It was the intent of OGW to compromise the functionality of LRRH, but the potential negative impact on its operations by the nearby presence of an organized unit of fully-functional Wood Cutters (WC) provided for the redirection of its action item to the domicile of GU.

Though LRRH had blatantly violated the terms of the contract rider, this violation went unreported to supervisory entities (i.e., MP) by the violator. LRRH continued to action the Task Order despite clear and compelling evidence that the integrity of the process had been disenfranchised by the OGW.

While LRRH continued to analyze its processes through the implementation of the Task Order, OGW leveraged its greater cumulative experience and used Best Practices to arrive at the GU client site in a more efficient and expedient manner than LRRH. Therein, the functionality of GU was impacted by the biorhythmic needs of OGW in a negative manner.

Upon the dissemination of information related to the pending closure of the Task Order assigned to LRRH, OGW engaged in an enterprise-wide analysis of situational readiness. Determining that there were vulnerabilities in OGW's methodology, OGW elected to redesign the external identifiers of OGW to better emulate those of GU, by means of garbing the nightgown generally associated with GU and altering the vocal patterns of OGW to align with precedents set by GU.

After completing the Task Order by delivering the deliverables:

  • cheesecakes;
  • fresh butter; and
  • one dozen (12) strawberries

LRRH recorded observations of the host system. These observations included, but were not limited to:

  • My what big ears you have!
  • My what big eyes you have!
  • My what a big nose you have!
  • My what big teeth you have!

Upon receipt of the host system status analysis, OGW prepared and delivered a response regarding the functionality of the concerned functionalities, to include:

  • This functionality leverages the soundwaves generated from other sources, such as LRRH, to amplify the positive audio signal from such sources for the end user.
  • This functionality absorbs underutilized light emissions and their reflection from objects thereon, such as LRRH, to better provide for the identification of nearby entities by the end user.
  • This functionality analyzes the available transient atmospheric particles against a matrix of known particle cultures, such as LRRH, to provide near-instantaneous and transparent supplemental feedback to the end user.
  • This functionality greatly impacts the capacity of the OGW to reprocess physical assets related to LRRH in such a manner as to benefit the continued functional life-cycle of the OGW operations!!

Immediately thereafter, Old Grey Wolf (OGW) executed its asset plan action item and severely compromised the functionality of Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH).

An email to the wrong wife

(This was supposedly voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia in 2001)

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where
they saw this message on the screen:

"Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here
"


 

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