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De Grading Education

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MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL
QUIZ OF THE CENTURY
STONE(D) HIGH FACULTEASE
CLASSIC FROM SNL NEWS ANCHOR NORM MCDONALD
BAD SEMI LIES (SIMILIES)
THE ANSWERS

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL LipsLipstick

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

QUIZ OF THE CENTURY
A manager of a Dublin Play House wagered that he could make a word of no meaning be the talk of the town within one day.  He had the letters  Q  U  I  Z   written on all the walls, and it must of worked, or  you never would have taken one. 

May we count you present before you abandon all hope? SO WITHOUT FURTHER A DUO...

STONE(D) HIGH SCHOOL
... or ...
OPERATING WITH FULL FACULTEASE

ADMINISTRATION

PRINCIPAL

G.U. FIBBS

ASST. PRINCIPAL

BILL BAILEY - always gets lost

SPECIAL STAFF

MEL PRACTICE

Stuttering Doctor On Call (DOC)

NURSE PATCH 

Accident Prone Position

MISS FORTUNE 

$chool $ecretary

SISSY SPACEX

ROTC Cadet Instructor

KAT SKINNER

Learning Specific Difficulties

THOMAS GUNN

Head of Security

DEW E. DECIMAL

Librarian

DUTCH TREAT 

School Lunch Program Director

BEA HAVIOR

School Psychologist

KAL TECH

School Counselor

SKIP CLASS Attendance Officer

ABBIE NORMAL

Asst. School Psychiatrist (Wilder)

NICK KNACK

Book Store Manager

DEE CREPIT 

On Board (of Education)  

AUNT ACID

Off Board

BENNY FIT

Financial Aids Officer

AL O. VERA 

Nutritionist  

SIMON PURE

Maintenance, Head of Heads

PETE MOSS

Gardener

RICK SHAW 

Transportation 

DEPARTMENT & INSTRUCTOR
             "COARSE" DESCRIPTON

PHILOSOPHY

PAUL BEARER

Death, and How to Handle It

VAN PIRE

Eating the Hand That Feeds You

CLARA VOYANT

Pairapsychology and Twinergy

MORT ICIAN

Rigors, More Teases

LEW D. CRUS 

Runk Pocker Blues

AL I. BY

Excuses to Live By

SCIENCE

BELLA DONNA 

Chemistry Med/Evil History

AL CHEMIST  

Looking for Mr. Goldbar

AURORA BOREALIS

Astronomy, assisted by Mr.North

SUE E. HOGGER

Pigging Out,Pen Names, PigsTies

AL LERGY

The Weeding of America

SAL AMANDER 

Marine Biology, plays rock flute with THE ELECTRIC EELS

HOME ECONOMICS

MELBA TOAST   

Dept. Head, (gets burned up)

MANNY KIN

Clothing and Design

SOPHI STICATE

Manners (Butlering 1)

VAN DYKE

Hair Raising, Beard Trimming

TERRY YAKI 

Barf in the Box, Crackers

MATHEMATICS/COMPUTERS

HAL O PENYO

BM's and  Spicing Genes

MATT ICIAN

Taco Belch Counter, (Mort's bro')

SURF MURPHY

Laws, Probability of Floating

ADAM APPLE

Pi ing, also teaches Computers and Religion

PHYSICAL ED

JIM FLOOR

P.E. Instructor

ARTY CHOKE

Nutrition and First Aid

BOB SLED

Ski Instructor

LEO TARD

Dance and Illitracy

SANDY BEACH 

Lifeguards, Graining Ground

CLIFF HANGER

Mountain Climbing 1 and 2; Falling 3 and 4

SOCIAL STUDIES

MICHAEL VALLION

Political History

NATHAN DRAL

Anthropology

BESSY MER 

Stealing Processes (Robber Barons thru Capone)

GINGER ROOTS

Spicing Up Black History

DELLA WARE

Georgraphy and Insurance

DAVY JONES

Lockers, (see Monkees)  

LEW CID

Moor History

MORRIS CODE

Japanese Cat Nips 

FOREST RANGER

R.V. Parks, His Early Travels

JERRY MANDER

Modern Day Political Science (handles chains at football games)

ENGLISH

ED ITOR

Hump-backed Journalism

STU DIO

Mass Communications

MAUD LIN

Drunks, Tanks, Sentiment

OSCAR AWARD

Drama and Silk Screening

EMMY AWARD

TV and Soaps, (married to Oscar)

FATA MORGANA

Romantic Literature

FINE ARTS

ART PAINTER 

Dept. Head

NED LOG

Pine Arts

OTTO MAN

Chair Repair & Turkish History

VAN GOGH

Art and Anatomy, Ear Splitting, and Brush Offs

MUSIC

PHIL HARMONIC

Orchestra Conductor,(piano teeth)

MANDY YIN

Chinese-American Yute Pyayer

MIKE STAND

Band Aid, (tall and thin)

CLARA NET

Losing Keys, Finding Signatures

BING CHERRY

Pitfalls of Picking (Guitar)

AL BINO

History of Average White Band

DEE COMPOSE

Rock Music Today, The Garbage of Tomorrow

CLASSIC FROM SNL NEWS ANCHOR NORM MCDONALD
"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student....LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, the greatest teacher of all time."

BAD SEMI LIES (SIMILIES)
If you're a teacher, you may know the feeling when, as a teacher, you try to stretch the skills of your students. The results are sometime breath taking (as in bad breath). These are supposedly the results of encouraging students to use comparisons from an email .

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like clothes in a dryer without Cling Free.

THE ANSWERS
Supposedly a compilation of actual student answers...

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he rote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

 

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